"Dance Flick" is bad.
"Dance Flick" is so bad that I'd rather sit down and watch William Hung singing "She Bangs" on "American Idol"...while he's naked.
"Dance Flick" is so bad it makes me wish that Carmen Electra was in the cast so the quality of acting would improve.
"Dance Flick" is so bad that even Uwe Boll thinks it's bad.
"Dance Flick" is bad.
The only consolation here is in knowing that with "Terminator Salvation" and "Night at the Museum 2" opening up on the same weekend, "Dance Flick" will disintegrate into its well deserved sea of cinematic nothingness quicker than Hollywood can say "I'll be back" with yet another lame-ass spoof.
There's a scene in "Dance Flick" where a character remarks about the pathetic state of a Hollywood where the Wayans Brothers get most of the parts for Black actors.
I couldn't agree more.
It is absolutely, 100% pathetic that with the countless numbers of talented Black actors in Hollywood that the machinery keeps green lighting drivel like "Dance Flick."
If Razzie nominations were being announced tomorrow, "Dance Flick" would easily be at the top of the list as it's clearly the worst film yet in 2009.
In case you can't figure it out, "Dance Flick" is a spoof on the recent spate of dance-themed flicks that have plagued Hollywood, some rather entertaining and others stylish yet soulless.
"Dance Flick" lacks both style and soul. It also lacks laughs, decent acting, a decent script, decent cinematography and anything resembling an emotion.
"Dance Flick" has nothing.
As I was leaving the theatre, I remarked "It was actually worse than "Little Man," which I didn't believe was possible."
"Dance Flick" is worse than "Meet the Spartans."
"Dance Flick" is worse than "Bloodrayne."
No, really. It is.
How many Wayans family members does it take to make such a crappy film? In reviewing the credits, I counted no less than 12, yes 12, cast and crew with the Wayans name...that doesn't count those who've dropped the name in hopes of actually salvaging a respectable career.
Believe it or not, I like the Wayans Brothers. I always have. I loved "In Living Color" and I've enjoyed some of their cinematic outings like the vastly underrated "Don't Be a Menace to Society" and "White Chicks."
Then, "Little Man" came along and, while much of America laughed, I cringed and thought "What's so funny?"
With "Dance Flick," I can only hope that America catches on. The shtick is old, the jokes aren't that funny and the sparkling creativity that permeated throughout "In Living Color" and their early efforts has waned.
Not even the addition of new family members, most notably nephew Damon Wayans Jr., can salvage "Dance Flick" from being an alarming disappointing despite the already modest expectations.
The semblance of a storyline involves Megan (Shoshana Bush, "Fired Up"), a perky white chick who moves to the hood with her father after the faux tragic death of her mother in a car accident on the way to Megan's dance audition to Juilliard. Megan keeps it real and hooks up with new friend Charity (Essence Watkins) and, of course, falls for her brother, Thomas Uncles (Damon Wayans Jr.).
Get it? Thomas Uncles. Uncle Tom?
Oh, there are other plays on names, too.
There's a character named A-Con.
Oh, and there's Ms. Camille Toe (Amy Sedaris).
It gets worse from there.
Tracy Transfat...I'm not kidding.
I can't really say it gets worse, because there comes this point where it's just plain hard to compare. I mean, really, how do you compare crap with crap? We could go with bigger crap, maybe?
That would be Sugar Bear (David Alan Grier), a ginormously morbidly obese gangbanger whom the "crew" owes $5,000.
Do you want me to pretend the plot really matters?
There's nothing, quite literally, funny about "Dance Flick" and, as they leaned on all too often with "Little Man," the Wayans Brothers float by on body fluid jokes and cruelty towards children that's supposed to be funny because it's so outlandish.
I despise cruelty to children and don't find it funny. Come to think of it, I despite cruelty to moviegoing audiences and, for that reason alone, I don't find "Dance Flick" worth your hard-earned money.
© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic