The Rating Scale
| A+ |
4 Stars |
| A |
4 Stars |
| A- |
3.5 Stars |
| B+ |
3.5 Stars |
| B |
3 Stars |
| B- |
2.5-3 Stars |
| C+ |
2.5 Stars |
| C |
2 Stars |
| C- |
1.5-2 Stars |
| D+ |
1.5 Stars |
| D |
1 Star |
| D- |
1/2 Star |
| F |
0 Stars |
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"The Independent Critic's Bottom 10 Films of 2009" |
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 | #10 "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" is an interesting film, because it actually could have worked despite itself. The coupling of Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker was a bad idea- both look tired and completely uninterested when together. On the other hand, "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" actually works when the two aren't together and when Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen ARE together. Still, this is a tired premise in the hands of two leads who look tired. Did I hear about the Morgans? Sure, but who wanted to? |
#9 "Jennifer's Body" is another near miss, only made ever so slightly tolerable thanks to Diablo Cody's ear for hipster dialogue. Unfortunately, "Jennifer's Body" has Megan Fox delivering the dialogue and not even the always delightful Amanda Seyfried can overcome Fox's shrilly histrionics. I suppose we can be grateful that Cody wrote "Jennifer's Body" before her Oscar-winning "Juno," but this may very well prove the old saying "Where there is a best, there will be a worst." Okay, actually it's not an old saying. I made it up. Kinda cool, eh? |  |
 | #8 It takes a certain talent to really screw up a horror film. C'mon, admit it. Horror film crowds aren't exactly the most discerning moviegoers. Sufficient gore? T&A? Hotties? A Reasonable amount of suspense? It doesn't take much. "The Final Destination," a 3-D horror flick, had none of it plus possessed all the things that drive film critics nuts like horrid acting, a weak script and unimaginative directing. |
#7 2009 seems to be the year when my favorite people are making simply awful films. There's no denying Katherine Heigl's talent, however, none of it is on display in 'The Ugly Truth," a film that features almost no truth and even less chemistry between Heigl and Gerard Butler. During a year when "(500) Days of Summer" gets romantic comedy done right, "The Ugly Truth" is the flip side of the coin. |  |
 | #6 I admit it. I had an attitude about Kate Beckinsale's "Whiteout" before I ever entered the theatre largely the result of an an unintentionally funny trailer and my fondness for the similarly named indie flick "White Out." Having entered the theatre with only modest expectations, "Whiteout" managed to live down to them. I'm not sure whose idea it was to place the gorgeous and talented Beckinsale into an Antarctica-based action flick, but it might be time to look for new management, Kate. While Beckinsale rewards her fans with the obligatory shower scene, not even Beck's beauty is enough to salvage this predictable, boring and, at times, downright silly flick. |
#5 It's actually easy to understand why Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway signed on to "Bride Wars." It's an intriguing idea to do an intelligent, satirical flick about wedding mania. Unfortunately, "Bride Wars" is neither intelligent nor a spoof. This means that two talented actresses, Hudson and Hathaway, are trapped inside an antiquated, unfunny, markedly uninsightful and often mean-spirited film. The characters in "Bride Wars" are thinly developed, if at all, and the film fails on virtually every level. With so much talent squandered, one can only hope that director Gary Winick has difficulty finding a next project. |  |
 | #4 In between her delightful performances in "The Proposal" and her Golden Globe-nominated "The Blind Side," funny girl Sandra Bullock has squeezed in the simply godawful "All About Steve," a shrill, miserable and painful cinematic experience in which Bullock plays the psycho stalker from hell and we're simply supposed to sit back and laugh about it. I didn't laugh. I winced. Bradley Cooper, on the other hand, must've been having flashbacks to his 2009 hit from left field, "The Hangover," which may well have been the year's funniest film. "All About Steve," on the other hand, may simply be the year's most painful moviegoing experience. |
#3 I have a rule. It's not always a popular rule among film critics, but it's a concrete rule. When it comes to making my lists for "Top 10" and "Bottom 10," I stick to the ratings when it comes to the bottom and the top of the barrel. So, while it may seem ludicrous to add the low expectation "Dance Flick" to the "Bottom 10 of 2009," any film that manages to get a zero-star rating from this critic WILL be included on the list. It may seem a given that "Dance Flick" would suck. After all, these spoof flicks haven't been funny for quite awhile now. However much more "fun" it might be to trash a higher profile flick on this list, it would be inaccurate to place any film but "Dance Flick" among the year's worst. Starring a new generation of Wayans' family members, "Dance Flick" is so frighteningly bad that even the dance sequences failed to entertain. One of three films to garner The Independent Critic's "F" grade this year, there is simply no doubt that "Dance Flick" is one of the year's worst films. |  |
 | #2 "Transylmania," first of all, is not a spoof film. It is advertised as such, but it actually isn't spoofing the films. It's actually a vampire/sex comedy/teen flick/road trip film all rolled up into one cinematic ball o' crap. Strangely enough, this is the kind of film I usually like in a guilty pleasure sort of way. "Transylmania" is so inept that self-injurious behavior may well be more pleasurable. The only thing more depressing than "Transylmania" getting green-lighted by a studio is that it's not the year's worst film. |
#1 The weird thing about "The Fourth Kind" is that it was supposed to be a great flick. The studio had such confidence in the film that it was screened for critics as part of the awards season rush of screenings in hopes that it would garner "best of" attention. All I can say is "Wow!" Still, "The Fourth Kind" did garner the favor of a few critics (mostly those who like to see their quotes in print). It's difficult to say what's worse about 'The Fourth Kind"- Milla Jovovich's constantly hushed tones? Hilariously wooden dialogue? The silly owl close-ups? Spastically bad characters? Will Patton's Razzie worthy supporting performance?
I see films this bad ever year, usually released by Joe Bob and made for $20.00 in his garage. It actually bothers me to trash them because, well, at least Joe Bob did the best he could on $20.00. When a studio releases a film this bad, it practically brings me to orgasm to trash it. I had one humdinger of an orgasm with this review. |  |
2009'S CINEMATIC LOWS!
- Dishonorable Mention: Old Dogs; A Christmas Carol; I Love You, Beth Cooper; Sorority Row; The Pink Panther 2; Terminator Salvation; New in Town; Year One; Land of the Lost; Anything involving Hannah Montana or those hideous little Jonas Brothers
- Worst Lead Performances, Actor: Robin Williams, Old Dogs; Hugh Grant, Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Jim Carrey, A Christmas Carol; Damon Wayans, Jr, Dance Flick; Jack Black, Year One
- Worst Lead Performances, Actress: Milla Jovovich, The Fourth Kind; Sandra Bullock, All About Steve; Megan Fox, Jennifer's Body; Renee Zellweger, New in Town; Kate Hudson, Bride Wars
I have a headache. I'm stopping now. I may add more later. I may not.
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