Teresa Wiltz, the Washington Post.

Adam Schubak, TV Guide's Movie Guide.

Paige Wiser, Chicago Sun-Times.

AND

Nell Minow, Yahoo's "Movie Mom" who proclaims that Bratz' "portrayal of the pull of cliques and conformity is sweet and smart."

One can't help but wonder if "Movie Mom" has gone a bit too Hollywood for her own good?

These four film critics and ONLY these four critics have been noted on RottenTomatoes.com for assigning a "fresh" rating to "Bratz," the movie helmed by Sean McNamara ("Raise Your Voice") based upon a series of equally shallow, pointless and, at times, downright offensive dolls by the same name.

I have instantly removed these four critics from the list of film critics whose opinion I will ever read again.

Do you get the idea I didn't, perhaps, enjoy this film?

I HATED this film.

Oh, just in case you're wondering, "Bratz" is still better than "Delta Farce."

It is the mixed messages in "Bratz" that are so disturbing...messages that are obviously so convoluted that they've confused even the normally reliable "Movie Mom."

I actually do like "Movie Mom," by the way. Actually, well, Ohmigosh, well, she's like totally and completely awesome. Like totally awesome. I mean it, really awesome.

By the way, I've just given you about 90% of the dialogue in "Bratz," penned by Susan Estelle Jansen.

I'm enjoying this naming names.

Maybe. I just don't like, really get it, or something like that or whatever. I mean, like really, I was never like totally popular in high school or college or on a job or anything like that.

I'm like so nothing in the looks department. I mean, heck, girls like Cloe (Skyler Shaye), Jade (Janel Parrish), Sasha (Logan Browning) and Yasmin (Nathalia Ramos) would like not even like ever look at me or like whatever. They were like totally awesome, but I was like totally nonexistent. Whatever.

These four are like B.F.F's...you know, like totally BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, like for real, well until high school then they go like totally their own ways and become like a sexy cheerleader and an athlete and a brain and a geek, but then like they get back together a couple years later and, well, geez.

I'm worn out.

I guess I could never be one of the Bratz.

The girls unite to rally against cliques in what can only be described as one of the most cliquish rebellions.

EVER.

Sorry, I tried to hold that in.

Not really.

The school is like totally ruled by Meredith (Chelsea Staub), who assigns lunch seating and who can basically ruin your high school life with a mere glance...

The Bratz like totally hate her.

HELP ME. I can't stop being cool now.

Have I mentioned yet that Jon Voight, THAT Oscar-winning Jon Voight, shows up here as a dictatorial school principal?

Boy, we thought Cuba Gooding, Jr's career was shot...Voight has to be embarrassed knowing his estranged daughter is this mega-cinematic star banging one of the universe's biggest hotties while he's off filming "Bratz: The Movie."

That has to completely suck.

While he may not totally deserve it, Voight is practically begging for a Razzie nomination with this performance.

The odd thing is, though, that Voight is actually one of the highlights of "Bratz" and, dare I say it, actually saves the film from its almost pre-destined "F" grade.

Isn't that like totally awesome?

Virtually every aspect of the film's production screams out "NOTICE ME," from song lyrics that rhyme latitude with brattitude (I'm not kidding!) and a high school that is half fashion mall and half music video. I never thought I would say this, but please bring back "High School Musical."

How did this film get a theatrical release and not "High School Musical 2?"

There's, like, no other way to say it. Nell, you're wrong on this one...the bad outweighs the good and the horrid messages to young girls far outweigh any potential post-cinematic conversations (after a quick stop at the mall).

From a purely film-making perspective, "Bratz: The Movie" is better than "Delta Farce."

But, when it comes down to it..."Bratz: The Movie" is the worst film of the year.

 

- Richard Propes

 The Independent Critic