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The Independent Critic

STARRING
Diedrich Bader, Chris Parnell, Elden Henson
DIRECTOR
Chris Matheson
SCREENPLAY
Chris Matheson, Ryan Rowe
MPAA RATING
PG-13
RUNNING TIME
89 Mins.
DISTRIBUTED BY
First Look/Nada
 "Evil Alien Conquerors" Review 
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I have a confession. This is a big one.

I broke the record on this film. It's true. I knew in the first 15 seconds of this film that it was going to be a bad film. I KNEW IT. There was no doubt.

I kept my mind open, but I knew it would be to no avail. This film was destined to plummet to the depths of filmmaking hell.

So, to director Chris Matheson...I congratulate you...Your film "Evil Alien Conquerors" is the newest addition to my Bottom 10...yes, it's true...this film is that awful.

In the opening seconds, you begin by hearing the theme song...it's this sort of tribal chant..."Evil Alien Conquerors"...it is played repeatedly and painfully throughout the film.It is, perhaps, the worst theme song ever created...The original music is created by David Russo...he's been working in the field for quite some time...including on some major films like "Freddy vs. Jason," "Daredevil" and other horror films...Perhaps he knew this film would be crap so he didn't give it his energy...it shows.

Director Chris Matheson also co-wrote the script...he's proven moderately able to write before with films such as "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" and its sequel. He also directed the MUCH more insightful and entertaining "A Goofy Movie."

This film stars Diedrich Bader, who seems to be incredibly hit and miss. In small doses, he can be somewhat tolerable...but, when he's called upon to be a leading man it seems to always end up like this fiasco. He sleepwalks through this role...has one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen in a film and truly about the worst costuming. Truly, ever aspect of his character is awful.

The film also stars Chris Parnell, of SNL fame...now let me stress...this is NOT an SNL film. There has never been an SNL film this bad. Parnell gives no indication of any future in film. He is awkward, has a sort of Andrew McCarthy stare about him...and just appears lost on film.

Both play aliens who are sent to Earth to behead all Earthlings with their magic sword...The swords, which are huge on their planet end up being minute here...so, of course, we have a barrage of micro-penis jokes.

The characters are ludicrous...the characterizations empty and emotionless...the entire film painfully unfun. This film is so bad that Tori Spelling refused to be listed in the credits...TORI SPELLING REFUSED CREDIT!

In my endless pursuit to tie every cast member of "The Battle of Shaker Heights" to bad films everywhere...I have to point out that Elden Henson from "Shaker Heights" also makes an appearance in this film...of course, he is...once again, awful.

I will confess that after the first half hour, this film seems to have accepted its inevitable failure. It relaxes a bit...it becomes almost just "bad" enough that it could be considered campy...Yet, as the film ended and I recalled what I had just seen...I can't deny the PTSD from the theme song, the blurry vision from the horrid costume and set design, the cringing from the painfully bad acting...and the acute awareness that I had just witnessed one of the worst films ever made. Now, please, take the nightmares away.

© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic

    The Official Rating Guideline
    • A+ to A: 4 Stars                
    • A- to B+: 3.5 Stars            
    • B: 3 Stars                         
    • B- to C+: 2.5 Stars           
    • C: 2 Stars
    • C- to D+: 1.5 Stars
    • D: 1 Star
    • D-: .5 Star
    • F: Zero Stars

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