There's much that could be said about Stuart Beattie's I, Frankenstein, but I try not to use that sort of language (too often) since I know I have youthful readers who occasionally appreciate my opinions.

There's also much that could be said to try to explain I, Frankenstein but, in all honesty, simply watching the film was enough of a labor and I refuse to cause my mind anymore trauma.

As I sat there watching the film unfold, I couldn't help but think to myself that star Aaron Eckhart actually looked even more bored than I was and that was really, really bored.

Eckhart, a gifted actor, must have somehow seen potential in this film based upon a graphic novel with the almost mind-numbing premise of having Frankenstein return from Alaska and becoming a martial arts expert/demon fighter. The demons in question are led by Bill Nighy, another talented actor, and when it comes down to it all they really want is good ole' Frankie's secret of reanimation for a reason that will likely make your head explode.

I swear. Mine did.

Into this mix, you get to add gargoyles.

I swear. I'm not making this stuff up. I wish I could make this stuff up, because I swear I think being a Hollywood screenwriter somehow pays better than being a film critic.

But, I digress.

The gargoyles, actually they are vigilante angels, are led by Miranda Otto as their High Queen. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to capitalize High Queen, because it's like a high and mighty title.

Ya' know?

In case you're wondering, the gargoyles and the demons are going to do battle or, as I like to call it, "Bad CGI Puppet Theater." Otto's Queen will try to enlist Frankie to their side of the equation, but Frankie's more like a monstrous rebel without a clue or an emotion and he's just not having any of that.

Giggle.

In case you haven't caught on by now, the best thing that can really be said about I, Frankenstein is that it has been released in January when no one actually cares and no one will be paying attention. Heck, it's probably too early to even get decent Razzie attention for the year.

That sucks because, well, Aaron Eckhart really sucks here and even the almost always dependable Bill Nighy seems to be aware that this is a dog and loses interest rather quickly. Eckhart, who has actually shown emotions on screen before and is a usually reliable actor, must have tapped into the whole "Man, this thing looked better on paper" thing pretty early on because his performance is about 1/4 note above monotony.

I, Frankenstein is impossible to take seriously despite Stuart Beattie's ill-advised reverence for the material. It doesn't work as a drama, doesn't work as horror, doesn't work as comedy, and doesn't work as a B-movie.

In short, it's a January release. Who cares?

© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic