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The Independent Critic

STARRING
The Jonas Brothers
DIRECTED BY
Bruce Hendricks
MPAA RATING
Rated G
RUNNING TIME
76 exruciating minutes
DISTRIBUTED BY
Disney
 "Jonas Brothers 3-D" Review 
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I have a question for my over the age of 13 readers.

Can you name a single song from The Jonas Brothers?

Can you even name all 3 of the brothers?

For that matter, did you even know there were 3 of them?

Do you have any idea which one broke up with Taylor Swift, who also appears in "Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience?"

I pride myself on staying fairly up on the current media scene.

I know the rappers, the actors, the rock bands, the styles, the writers, the sitcom stars, etc.

I keep up.

The Jonas Brothers?

I couldn't tell you a single song.

Sadly, I could tell you there's Nick and Joe Jonas. I looked up the third one. His name is Kevin.

Is he the old one?

Is he actually old or does he just look old?

I admire Disney. I really do. Heck, I've had quite the tolerance for the now dying "High School Musical" scene.

I enjoyed the whole Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus gig, and even half enjoyed HER 3-D spectacle.

This one? What can I say?

It's a G-rated wet dream for 'tweens. 

Wouldn't it be awesome if that previous statement ended up on the film's movie poster?

At a mere 76 minutes, this concert film is a good 40 minutes too long with tunes that start to sound repetitive and, I'm almost certain, dropped my IQ a few more points.  Credit director Bruce Hendricks with at least trying, in say the same way they tried to turn "From Justin to Kelly" into something meaningful, to turn this 3-D experience into a pseudo documentary along the way in the same vein as "A Hard Day's Night."

The difference? The Beatles had talent, creativity and screen presence.

The Jonas Brothers? Well, somehow, they manage to sell records.

I think, anyway.

Hendricks keeps the film poppin' between G-rated phallic symbols (garden hoses at the screen, big boy?), faux insightfulness complete with grainy camerawork and heart-throbbin' musical rhythms.

Okay, I have to stop.

This review is entertaining me more than the film did.

What actually started this whole 3-D concert thing, anyway? Shouldn't there be an actual reason for it?

I mean, I get why U-2 would be in 3-D...they do elaborate stages, larger than life theatrics and have egos to match.

The Jonas Brothers?

I was hoping we'd at least get to see, in 3-D, the text that dumped Taylor Swift.

Who the heck dumps Taylor Swift, anyway?

IDIOTS.

Of course, I can't help but take a certain delight in the practically undeniable fact that in virtually every aspect of showmanship Taylor Swift far outshines the preening brothers in her brief time onscreen.

"Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience" is not targeting me. Odds are it's not targeting you, as the vast majority of my readers are over 12 and have tastes just a bit more complex...Lil' Wayne at the very least, please.

The equivalent of The Wiggles for 'tweens, The Jonas Brothers are simply the latest in a long line of talentless, over-produced pretty boys devoid of talent and condescending to its fans.

I have a tip for you Nick, Joe and Kevin. If you REALLY care about your concert experience, try watching Taylor Swift. She'll show you how it's done.

3-D concert experience? Well, at least they got the "D" right.


© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic
    The Official Rating Guideline
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    • C: 2 Stars
    • C- to D+: 1.5 Stars
    • D: 1 Star
    • D-: .5 Star
    • F: Zero Stars

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