Patrick Cavanaugh, James DeBello, Tony Denman, Paul Kim, Jennifer Lyons, Oren Skoog
David Hillenbrand, Scott Hillenbrand
Patrick Casey, Worm Miller
Thanks to the Razzie Awards, there is a place for films like "Transylmania," a film so incredibly inept that it's difficult to imagine a corporate suit type actually sat down one day and greenlighted this shockingly unfunny, poorly written, amateurishly acted and ineptly directed flick that makes even the most recent of the "Scary Movie" spoof flicks look like cinematic masterpieces.
Having already nabbed the box-office record for the lowest receipts EVER recorded for a film that opened on over 1,000 screens, "Transylmania" is, believe it or not, actually that bad. "Transylmania" is the story, and I use that term loosely, of a group of horny undergrads who take off to Romania for a semester at the eerie Razvan College, housed in an old castle and inhabited by a vampire (Oren Skoog) and his lover.
By the way, did you laugh at the name? Oren Skoog?
It's the funniest thing in the entire film.
Skoog also plays the sophomoric sex-starved lead of the college entourage, whose antics will make you long for a second viewing of "Pluto Nash."
So, you get the young adults, again the term is used loosely, who just want to party and the vampire who just wants to, well, be a vampire and then there's Razvan's dean (David Steinberg), a pint-sized man with a desire to snatch one of the co-ed hotties and put the head of his Quasimodo-like daughter onto their body.
Woven into the fabric of this cinematic monstrosity is a bevy of body fluid jokes, anal penetration humor, vomit, penises and everything else a teenager would find funny if the film didn't find itself slammed with an "R" rating.
Constructed by the team that assembled the slightly funnier National Lampoon's "Dorm Daze," the concept of humor seems lost on co-directors David and Scott Hillenbrand and co-writers Worm Miller and Patrick Casey. "Transylmania" actually looks like something National Lampoon would put out, given that the folks at Lampoon haven't made anything resembling a decent film since the Chevy Chase days.
"Transylmania" is such a bad film that there's not even any joy in trashing the poor thing. It's difficult to fathom that everyone in the cast didn't realize early on that they were smack dab in the middle of a pile of doo-doo, and it seems completely and utterly necessary to point out the obvious.
Destined to give the disastrous "Dance Flick" a run for its money in the Razzie Awards this year, "Transylmania," it must be said, truly bites.
© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic