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The Independent Critic

STARRING
Matt Lanter, Parker Dash, Ken Jeong, Jenn Proske, Diedrich Bader, Arielle Kebbel
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY
Aaron Seltzer, Jason Friedberg
MPAA RATING
Rated PG-13
RUNNING TIME
80 Mins.
DISTRIBUTED BY
Regency Enterprises
DVD EXTRAS

  • Theatrical Version
  • Unrated Version
  • Deleted Scenes
  • Gag Reel

 "Vampires Suck" Review 
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Do you remember when Diedrich Bader was funny?

Yeah, me neither.

For that matter, do you remember when the Friedberg-Seltzer filmmaking team was funny?

Again, me neither.

Inexpensive to make and seemingly able to stumble into profitability, these "spoof" films ran their course years ago and yet we continue to suffer our way through them in much the same way we can't seem to avoid driving slowly past a car wreck with our eyes glaring upon the poor tragic souls involved.

Everyone involved in Vampires Suck should be considered a tragic soul, a Hollywood has-been or wannabe reduced to living on the fringes of genuine cinematic experience either through their own mediocre talent or an agent who possesses an "it's work" attitude without any semblance of artistic integrity or long-term thinking.

Seriously, who in their right mind read this script and thought "This is a film I simply must do?"

In case you're so incredibly sub-moronic that you haven't a clue what this film is about, Vampires Suck is simply the latest in a long line of low-budget, low creativity spoof films and, in case you're intellect is completely comatose, the majority of the film's 80 minute run time is spent doing an almost scene by scene rip-off of the Twilight flicks with a few gags thrown in spoofing Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood and some other mostly unrelated pop culture gags that manage to feel tired and outdated even when they're relatively timely.

To attempt, in any way, to describe the "plot" of Vampires Suck would be an exercise in futility. Just as was true for nearly every spoof before it, Vampires Suck exists almost solely to toss together a few painfully unfunny comedy sketches based upon broad, histrionic generalizations. In the case of the Twilight films, weren't they broad and histrionic enough already?

With the exception of an oddly appealing turn by relative newcomer Jenn Proske, doing a note-by-note spoof of Kristen Stewart's Bella, and one celebratory scene of homoerotic ecstasy (I'll give you ONE clue which character involves and it's NOT Edward!), there's literally nothing in this cinematic wasteland that should draw even the laziest, most attention-deficit moviegoer into the movie theatre. Sppofing Twilight could have been and should have been a simple and at least semi-entertaining objective, but Friedberg and Seltzer have assembled a film that is so lifeless and devoid of laughs that one would almost rather have to sit through all three Twilight films back-to-back rather than sitting through this 80-minutes of IQ-reducing drivel.

ALMOST.

Other than Proske, virtually every performance here is a waste of time including longtime Independent Critic fave Arielle Kebbel along with the aforementioned Diedrich Bader, Matt Lanter (as Edward), Chris Riggi (as Jacob) and Ken Jeong, whose agent has apparently never read a script to which he can say "No!"

Ken, dude. You're funny. It might be time to think about a new agent.

Okay, folks.

You have an assignment this week. There are lots of decent options in the theatres this week, and at least three other films opening nationwide including the much more satisfying Jennifer Aniston/Jason Bateman vehicle The Switch. Your task is simple...avoid this film. As long as you keep going to crappy films like this one, Hollywood is going to keep churning them out.

So, stop.

I know it's tempting. I know it LOOKS like it could be like an easygoing, low-energy stupid comedy.

I understand.

But stop. You deserve better than Vampires Suck and until you stop supporting the studios that put this crap out they'll keep doing it.

Vampires Suck?

Vampires Suck
sucks.

© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic
    The 50/50 x 2020 Pledge

    The Independent Critic is proud to support Indy-based Heartland Film by committing to the 50/50 x 2020 Pledge - By the end of the year 2020, The Independent Critic will achieve gender parity in its reviews of both shorts and feature films. Furthermore, The Independent Critic also pledges support for the Ruderman Family Foundation's call for authentic representation of people with disabilities in film and actively commits to leverage its journalistic influence to effect genuine change in the film industry by calling for and actively promoting authentic and inclusive casting and hiring of people with disabilities.

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